I don't know if it is the age I am or a stage in my life or events that have brought this about, but I find myself constantly trying to assess myself and decide what box I fit into. (Did anyone else go through this in their early thirties?)
Am I an extrovert or an introvert?
Am I too quick to give advice?
Do I listen enough?
Am I a dramatic person?
How am I perceived?
When people think of "Audrey", what comes to their mind?
Are the perceptions I have had of myself throughout my life true?
I have this deep desire to be the best person I can be. I want to grow and learn and change, where need be. I also want to stay true to myself. What does all of that look like?
You know how you grow up with a certain perception of yourself? For instance, one of my perceptions could be that I am not a very gracious person. I don't have a lot of tact.
I have put myself in that "box", so to speak. I often fear that maybe I will offend my friends if I am too straight forward. This is an insecurity of mine, especially in certain relationships. Yet I know that my heart is good and that I rarely, if ever, intentionally mean to offend.
I worry that people won't tell me if I do offend them. But, having said that I always felt like I was not very gracious, I have sometimes been around others who make me seem like the queen of graciousness.
So where is the balance between just "being who you are" and trying to change certain things about yourself that might not be your most attractive qualities?
This probably part of what I have been dealing with a lot lately.
We all know people who are rude or someone who is just a jerk and they just excuse every bad behaviour by just saying "Well, I guess that's just how I am" and I find that kind of an attitude to be frustrating and a little more than slightly un-enlightened.
I don't want to be like that.
But I feel like I have crossed over to "the dark side" in that, recently, I have started to kind of question everything I ever thought I knew about myself. I am also learning some new things. It almost feels like a re-defining of how I think of myself, especially in relation to others.
For instance, I am learning that I am not easily offended and that I can take correction or advice a lot better than most people. Which means that I also need to learn that people don't necessarily want ME to dish out advice to them. Just because that is what I like doesn't mean others will.
I am learning that I intensely desire resolution in situations. Intensely!! Like, I hardly know what to do with something that feels unresolved to me. Yet, not nearly everyone wants to go through that process. How can I take care of me and what I need in a situation like that, but recognize and respect that someone else may not share my need to resolve and "kill the subject to death" like I do?
I am realizing that, without a doubt, I am an analyzer. I have known that, but it has become more and more clear to me. This definitely has its strengths AND weaknesses. I feel like I am seeing more of the weakness side of this lately.
All of this over-thinking has started to make me lose my moorings a little in knowing where I stand in friendships and how others think of me as a friend. Are there things that I have been doing all of these years and ways of relating that are not that great, but I didn't realize it, because I was just acting out of what came natural to me? Without regard for how someone else would want to be related to?
I have to remind myself that others perceptions of me are not really what matters, although I do care about that. What really matters is that I am a genuine person and true to myself (whoever "myself" is) and that I know what GOD thinks of me.
But...I have, for quite a while, toyed around with the idea of asking about 10 of my closest friends to answer this question for me...
"What do you see as my greatest weakness?"
And then, if I see a common thread in their answers, I can try to work on that area. Or areaS. (Who am I kidding here?)
I have a somewhat irrational fear of being a person who has this huge issue that everyone knows about but that I am clueless to and that I will go through life causing problems because of this issue, but no one will ever tell me it is there and so I never learn to change it.
The only reason I haven't done this little questionnaire is because I feel like it would be awkward for my friends. I think of my close friends and would I want to answer that question about them, even if they asked me? I don't know.
You never want to hurt someone you love and a lot of times, the things you would maybe point out, they probably already know and are trying to work on.
Sometimes too much honesty maybe is not a good thing. But that doesn't keep me from wishing I could just know what the answer to that question would be.
In our Sunday School class the other day, we had a discussion about whether it is good for Christians to point out the faults or issues of other friends/believers.
The Bible does say to "Admonish one another in love."
But I will tell you what my life philosophy is about that:
"Don't answer questions that people aren't asking."
If someone really wants to become better, to change by having other's speak into their lives, they will, in some form or another, be asking those questions of those they trust.
If not, it probably will not go well if you try to point out their issues or faults. And if you do, it is imperative that you focus on the last part of that verse. The "In Love" part. My Dad says this quote that is think is profoundly awesome "You cannot deliver a dump truck load of truth over a plywood bridge of love." Think about that one for a while!
I think some people of a certain personality want to take a verse like "Admonish one another" and run with it...under the guise of "helping their fellow believers". A lot of times, I think they get a certain pleasure out of being the one to point out the faults of others.
God just reminded me of this in my prayer time this morning:
"My job is to be a lover (of others), not a judger."
Period.
I am going to continue to strive to be that kind of a person.
In the meantime, don't call the people at the nearest phsych ward when you read this jumbled mess that is my thoughts. I really am sane. Most of the time.
Although maybe that's not how I am always perceived!
Maybe THAT is the question I should be asking of my friends! ;-)
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