I quit a job that I've had for the past 6 1/2 years...doing bookkeeping for the pellet mill in town. Along with that was a lot of letting go...relationship and work wise.
An honest and wise friend told me lately that she thinks I have a hard time letting go of things. Relationships. Jobs. The easy and comfortable. I know she's right. Part of the issue for me is knowing when to hang on and try harder and when to let go.
I was feeling anxious about the changes in my life. What if, without a job, I was too bored and drove myself crazy? After all, I'm {mostly} unemployed for the first time in 20 years.
This is only the second week of my "retirement" and I have to say...I am loving it so far! Not that I plan to never work again, I know myself too well to think that will work out, but for now, it's been great. I am realizing that sometimes life just gets you in a rut and when you step back, you realize you aren't even doing what you want to be doing and you're just going along on auto pilot. Fulfilling commitments and obligations and just getting swept along with the current. I realize that most people don't have the chance or the luxury of being able to hit the "pause" button and re-evaluate what they really want to be doing with the hours in their day, but I think we can all do that on a smaller scale if we take the time to consider it.
Anyway, one of my goals for the months of April and May was to spend a day a week in solitude. I cannot tell you the reason for this or what will come of it, only that I have known intuitively that this was somehow very important in my process of healing and growth. I have been praying since last fall to find a cabin close by to be able to use for this purpose. A peaceful place in the woods where I could just get away from it all and find clarity and direction.
God totally answered that prayer through a friend of mine whose brother in law owns a cabin that is un-used these days. Granted, I wanted it to be by a lake, but there is even a lesson in that for me: Don't allow your expectations of what something is going to look like prevent you from seeing the amazing blessings that are right in front of you!
Yesterday found me there again and it was the most amazing, gorgeous spring weather! Sunny and 66 degrees. I took a walk, sat and read, talked to God, listened and observed, and then I sat down in the sun on this little bench and got out my "writing promps" book to see if I could get some inspiration to write.
The very first page I opened up to had the writing prompt of "Write a new chapter in your life right now". I didn't have to look much further. I knew that writing about this made total sense right now.
I am sharing with you what I wrote yesterday and I hope that it inspires you in some way.
"The new chapter in my life starts now. Granted, it probably started a long time ago because life is a journey, more circular in nature than a straight path and I've noticed that life's lessons keep circling around until you're ready to find a seat, plant your ass in that chair and actually pay attention to what the teacher is saying.
So when I say the new chapter starts now, it is also inferred that tomorrow morning the new chapter starts again. And the morning after that.
The person we believe we are and the choices that we make out of that belief are not one time decisions. We make them over and over and over again. One good choice begets another. You cannot believe in yourself and your positive affirmations and your thoughts about where your identity lies if you are consistently making choices that do not back that up. You will feel fractured and splintered, restless and lacking peace. Trust me. I fuckin' know.
So starting now... I am not who I was. I am more than the sum of my past mistakes. I am a woman of courage. I am honest, even when it scares me or causes conflict. I am faithful and loyal. I am positive and hopeful. I am habitually grateful. I am sane and I have much wisdom inside of me. I am secure in who I am and I am not afraid of how other's perceive me. I know that I am strong and that no matter what happens, I will get through it and come out having learned something that I can put in my life's toolbox. This is the new chapter in my life and it starts NOW."
