Thursday, September 18, 2014

What If...

I had barely hit the send button on the invites to my book project when I felt completely overwhelmed by emotion.

I found myself going to the kitchen and getting a slice of pizza and then a bowl of ice cream. Comfort foods, I guess.  We can learn so much about ourselves if we are conscious and observe the way we respond in situations and how we handle emotions.  In this case, turning to food for comfort. Yay! Another "issue" to be aware of.  I'm always happy when I discover those.  (italics is my sarcasm font)

I took my ice cream and went and sat outside on the porch swing in the warm September sun.  I wanted to cry.  Mostly because I am afraid.  Very afraid.

I've observed this...I may think that I don't have fears until I actually am in a situation where I have to face them.

You can talk for years about how you are not afraid of the dark if you always make sure to stay inside after dark with all the lights in the house turned on.  But you step outside that front door and actually face the darkness, you'll find those fears coming right to the surface.

Of what am I afraid, you might ask?

Here are some fears that I can verbalize in relation to this project I am embarking upon.

What if no one responds to my invite?  (This one was obviously an unnecessary fear and I was overhwhelmed and grateful for the response that I received from people yesterday. Thank you!)

What if the interviews are awkward and I ask all the wrong questions and people don't open up?

What if I fail at this whole thing and it just flops and nothing comes of it?  The biggest fear in this is that I will let myself down and confirm my fears that I am not meant for anything out of the ordinary.

What if I don't have the skills needed to pull this thing together?

What if I get into an interview and there is a lot of emotion and I say the wrong thing or come across as insensitive?

What if this project causes me to look into things in my own life that I'm not ready to deal with?

Something (God) prompted me to study the words "What If".  Could they spell something else backwards? (Not anything that made sense.)  But when I looked more closely, the words "what if", when re-arranged, spell "Faith" (with a leftover w - just to mess with my OCD tendencies).  Who knew??

That's the trade off I need to make.  Let go of all the "what if's" and have Faith.  I have no idea what all that looks like but I know that what it doesn't look like is certainty. 

Or, how about turning those "What if's" into positives instead of negatives?

What if someone's life is helped or healed in some way through sharing their story, maybe for the first time?

What if the book is published one day and it impacts even one life or helps one person to realize they are not alone?

What if this is the beginning of a great part of my journey and process towards wholeness and healing?

What if God is in all of this in a bigger way than I can imagine?

What if one other person is inspired to step out and pursue a dream that they've had in their heart?

What If versus Faith.   Like so very many things in life, its just a matter of perspective!
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Wednesday, September 17, 2014

Here Goes Something...

I'm literally sitting here praying as I start to write "God, if you want me to do this, you're going to have to give me the words to say, because I feel scared and vulnerable and unqualified."


So...deep breath...here goes.


Have you ever had one of those ideas that hits you like a lightening bolt?  It's not the sort of idea where you think "Hey, maybe I should visit Florida someday."  No, it's more of a "this idea is not your own so you better sit up and listen" kind of thing.  Call it God or call it fate or intuition, but this happened to me about two months ago and this is what I want to tell you about.


I was sitting on my bed, watching Oprah interview someone who I am sure was saying something profound, although I can't recall what it was.


I was simultaneously reading a Facebook message from a friend, because I suck at doing one thing at a time. The message I was reading was a peek into the life of someone I have come to know in the last year.  It struck me that people often want to tell their stories but don't know how to share or how to write.  They are scared or sometimes even unable to find the words to express what is going on deep within. So their stories often stay inside of them, wanting air to breathe and to be given life outside of their own minds.


It hit me with incredible force that for all of the things that I am not good at and all of the insecurities that I carry around with me, there are some things that I am gifted with.


1)  I love to write.  Historically, at least.  As any of my blog followers would know, its been quite a while that I've been in a writing funk and I've written barely a word for the past year and a half.  So yeah, I'm a little rusty.  But friends and family have often told me that I have a gift for writing, so I am choosing to believe that.  Comparison is the thief of joy, we've all heard that saying. But comparison is also the thief of creativity and inspiration and daring, because there is always going to be someone better.  So I love to write. I'll never be the best but I have my own style and flavor, and maybe that's as good as it gets.


2)  I have a profound interest in the lives and stories of other people.  Nothing makes me come alive more than a great conversation where someone lets me in to their life to hear about their heartache and passion and fears and struggle and joy and success and pain.  Whatever their story is to tell, I want to hear it, I want to learn from it, and I want to empathize or rejoice with them.  I am fascinated by what makes people who they are.


3)  People seem to find me easy to talk to.  I will fairly often have someone say to me "I usually don't tell this to anyone, but..." or "I've never told anyone this before..."  I don't know for sure why this is, but I accept it and am grateful for it.




And here is where I feel extremely scared and vulnerable and all of the voices in my head say "This will never work. You're not good enough."  What do you think you have to offer?" and these voices are what has kept me from doing what I am doing now for the last two months.


But fueled by passion and Brene Brown's talk on "Daring Greatly" and a healthy dose of "she's just crazy enough to try this", this is the idea I want to put out there.


I want to write a book.  And I want you all to be part of it.  I want to tell my story and your stories.


I have a title in mind.  It is "Not that Different".  And the subtitle might be something like "How the holes in your soul let the light into mine."


Because connection and vulnerability are vital to all of us.  How many times have you finally opened up to someone about something you felt shame or guilt about and found out that you're not the only one?  And how healing is that to you?  I want to be a part of breaking down those barriers and maybe in my own small way, helping people to see that they aren't alone. They are not that different.  We're all connected and we all bleed red.  Secrecy and silence and judgment are the breeding ground for shame and for keeping us stuck in places we really don't want to be.


The stories and experiences of others have been so helpful to me over the years. I am always looking for threads and similarities and wondering how some people survive and even thrive while others struggle and struggle.  I look around and see people who are in similar circumstances but one has learned from their experience and moved on to become a better person while someone else is stuck there, maybe living in bitterness or anger.  I am a firm believer in the fact that I can learn something from every person that I come in contact with. 


Here's an even more vulnerable piece of this story, for me.  I want to hear your stories because I want to heal.  I've been in a place for the last two years where I have felt unhappy and alone.  Not always and to greater or lesser degrees, but I've been through the roughest spot of my life, by far. I've had to admit that I've dealt with depression.  I've had to face my feelings about myself and my worth, about my marriage, and about my many issues and weaknesses.  I've been "that girl" who has a heaviness about her and who needs counseling and who isn't even close to "figuring it out."  I'm learning to love myself and my process and to show myself grace and compassion.  And part of that process, for me, is the willingness to own my story and to tell it without shame. 


So here is the question I am posing to my friends, acquaintances, or even to strangers...Would you be willing to sit down with me and share your story?  I can't promise it won't be at all awkward, but I'll try to keep that to a minimum.  I will have some questions I can ask to get the conversation going. Anything you share will be kept in utmost confidence.  If and when there ever is a book, your story may be part of that, but I wouldn't use your real name or details that would reveal who you are if you're not ok with that.


This interview part of the process for the dream that I have to write this book is very exciting to me. The book may or may not ever happen.  That feels like a long way off to me and there are so many obstacles to overcome to ever get there.  But you've got to start somewhere.  And fear of the unknowns and the what if's is usually what keeps me from ever starting something that feels so unattainable to me.  I'm not exactly a "reach for the stars" kind of girl.  I'm more of a "if you don't have a 3-step plan of how you are going to accomplish it, don't even try" kind of girl. 


But I have faith that because of how this idea came to me, if it is supposed to happen, it will. But I've got to do my part and put myself out there...in Faith.


If you want to be part of this project and would be willing to sit down with me for an interview (or, if you are not from my home area, you would like to do a phone interview) please message me or comment on here and let me know.   I would appreciate it a lot!


As they say...here goes nothing!  Or maybe we'll get a chance to re-write that into "Here goes something!"


Peace out.
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