When You have Nothing to Give

I haven't written a blog post in almost 6 months.

Well, I tried once back in July and honestly, what came out when I sat down to write was so desperate and sad and raw that I couldn't bring myself to let the rest of the world see that much pain and vulnerability.

I have gone through the toughest year of my life.  I shouldn't even use past tense here because really, I could say that I am still going through the toughest year of my life.  Except that soon it will be more than a year.

I don't know how to sum up, for the curious or concerned reader, what all has gone on with me.

You could call it an identity crises.  You could call it losing my way.  You could call it "the emotional oblivion of my twenties catching up to me."  Either way, what I have gone through and am going through stripped me of a lot of things that I cared about. 

I wanted to share this for those of you who have a friend who might be going through something similar. I want to tell you, from my perspective, what a friend who is going through a really rough time might need from you.

You see, I've always been that friend who puts lot of effort into a relationship.  I value my friends greatly. I make sure to call. To message. To let my friends know what they mean to me.  That's how I roll and that's what my friends are used to when they think of me.

But this past year has brought me to a place where I simply just did.not.have.the.energy to invest in my girlfriend relationships. It bothered me. I didn't know how to handle it.  I felt like a bad friend. I tried to keep up, but I cannot describe it any differently than that I was simply stripped of the energy needed to maintain friendships in the way that I have always thought they should be maintained and cared for.

I can see good in it.  I think throughout my life I have relied too much on my friends, going to them instead of to my own spirit or to God.  Seeking out answers from my friends when those answers were actually somewhere deep inside of me.  I just needed to dig for them and trust that I knew the way.

I know I hurt some friends in this process. I know there were some that did not understand why I had changed so much.  Heck, I didn't understand it, so how could I explain it to them.  Others had been in my shoes at one time or another in life and understood that this is a season and I'll eventually come through it.  Not unchanged, necessarily, but maybe finding a balance in my relationships that is somewhere nearer to healthy.

The following is what I want to say to you, if you currently or some day in the future find yourself in this kind of a situation with a friend.  I am speaking from my own experience and I recognize that everyone is different, so be sensitive to that, but this is what I wanted from my friends in this past year.


*Don't give up on me.  I'm still me and I'll come through this eventually.

*Don't take my lack of engagement personally!!  It is not meant that way at all and I just feel guilty if you take it that way.

*Give me space to not talk about things if I don't want to.  Let me sit with my pain but let me know that you are there for me if/when I do want to talk.

*Send me a message to say you miss me.  Write me a card.  Even if I seem wooden in my responses to that, it means the world to me.

*Pray for me.  Lots.

*Be secure enough in our friendship that you will be able to trust that it will return to something resembling normal one day.  Continue to engage with me as you can. But know also that I will understand if my lack of engagement changes the dynamics of our relationship a bit.

*Don't be afraid of my struggles when I do want to talk.  Don't let the depths of my struggle and the craziness that is going on in my head make you run away.  I need you! 

*Allow me to grow and change, just as I hope I allow you to grow and change.  Try to understand, if you can.  Your acceptance of my issues is a balm to my soul.

*Love me unconditionally.  You loving me even when I have nothing to give means the world to me. But do it in a way that feels authentic to you. 


I know this may sound self-centered, but I don't mean it that way.  This is just some advice from a girl whose been there and wants to help others who may have a friend in this kind of need.

Who knows?  Maybe she'll come through all of the difficulties and be a person who knows how to love more fully.  Maybe she'll be a better friend in the end.  Maybe she'll be there for you when the tables are turned.

And maybe not.  But you'll know that you loved her well through it all.


PS -- I could list names and specifics of things that friends have said and done and how they have been there for me in this season of my life.  I am so grateful for that!! Whether giving a listening ear and just walking with me through all of this, sending me a card or a message, just plain showing grace and understanding, it all matters and I will not forget your loyalty and love! 

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You don't know what you don't know...

Last week I read the following story that someone had posted on Facebook.  Maybe you saw it too. Maybe you had a completely different reaction than I did.  But the idea for writing this post has been swirling around in my head ever since.

 

Here is the article I read --

 

 

Dear Mom On the iPhone,

I see you over there on the bench, messing on your iPhone. It feels good to relax a little while your kids have fun in the sunshine, doesn’t it? You are doing a great job with your kids, you work hard, you teach them manners, have them do their chores.

But Mom, let me tell you what you don’t see right now…..

Your little girl is spinning round and round, making her dress twirl. She is such a little beauty queen already, the sun shining behind her long hair. She keeps glancing your way to see if you are watching her.

You aren’t.

Your little boy keeps shouting, “Mom, MOM watch this!” I see you acknowledge him, barely glancing his way.

He sees that too. His shoulders slump, but only for a moment, as he finds the next cool thing to do.

Now you are pushing your baby in the swing. She loves it! Cooing and smiling with every push. You don’t see her though, do you? Your head is bent, your eyes on your phone as you absently push her swing.

Talk to her. Tell her about the clouds, Mommy. The Creator who made them. Tickle her tummy when she comes near you and enjoy that baby belly laugh that leaves far too quickly.

Put your eyes back on your prize…Your kids.

Show them that they are the priority. Wherever you are, be ALL there. I am not saying it’s not ok to check in on your phone, but it’s a time-sucker: User Beware!

Play time at the park will be over before you know it.

The childhood of your children will be gone before you know it.

They won’t always want to come to the park with you, Mommy. They won’t always spin and twirl to make their new dress swish, they won’t always call out, “WATCH ME!”

There will come a point when they stop trying, stop calling your name, stop bothering to interrupt your phone time.

Because they know…

You’ve shown them, during all of these moments, that the phone is more important than they are. They see you looking at it at while waiting to pick up brother from school, during playtime, at the dinner table, at bedtime…..

I know that’s not true, Mommy.

I know your heart says differently.

But your kids can’t hear your words, Mommy. Your actions are screaming way too loudly.

May our eyes rest upon those we love, first and foremost, and may everything else fall away in the wonderful, noisy, sticky-fingered glory of it all.

 

(End of article)

 

 

I read this and my reaction was anger and frustration.  And some other emotions that I couldn't initially identify.  (Just to be clear...nothing at all against the friend who posted this on her Facebook, this has nothing to do with her.)

 

Here's the thing:  You don't know what you don't know.

 

Maybe this Mom just spent the morning baking cookies with her kids and her phone was not even turned on.

 

Maybe she's going through a really rough time in her life and she is busy texting a friend, who is her lifeline right now.

 

Maybe just this morning she contemplated getting in her car, dropping her kids off with her Mother, and just driving.  Not knowing where she is going or when she will be back.  Just leaving.  And inside, she pulled herself together, grabbed her three kids and her phone, and took them to the park.  She said to herself "If I can just make it through today..."

 

Maybe, just maybe, she knows what I know.  That kids will NEVER get tired of your attention even if you give it to them all of the time.  They will want more.  And more. And they will suck you dry.  Maybe she believes that it is OK for kids to have to entertain themselves sometimes.  Honestly, I think its cool that she even TOOK them to the park.  She could have sat inside and watched TV all day.

 

Maybe she's struggling as a Mom and God only knows that if she HAD to be present with her kids every moment of every day, she wouldn't be able to do it.  She would literally have to run away.  That she feels this pressure on her chest all the time...and elephant of guilt and "should have's" and "I'm not enoughs."

 

Yes, our children are growing up.  No, they won't always want us to take them to the park.  But that's how life is.  Things change.  Children grow up.  And its a good thing.  You can't keep them in a time warp.

 

I get the idea of enjoying moments with your children.  I think it is important!  I know that I will one day look back and say "Wow! Weren't those the days?"  But I think that right now a lot of times.  But that doesn't mean that I am always fully present to watch every little stunt my boys do or see every twirly-dance my daughter does.

 

They need me, yes.  They need my love and attention and acceptance.  I am important in their lives. 

 

But I am not their whole world. And they aren't mine.   I have a life of my own too.  And its OK if I want to live it. 

 

And if that includes taking them to a park and then sitting there and reading a book or chatting with a girlfriend or being on my phone while they play, then don't try to make me feel guilty about it.  They're fine.  They're totally fine. 

 

Maybe this feeling of anger and frustration and "I don't know if I can breathe" comes from a place in my life right now where I feel suffocated by the needs of those around me.  I feel like I've hit a wall and I need to do some things for me.  I don't want to resent my children.  I am so happy they are in my life and I was the one who chose to be a Mother.  I know that! 

 

But I need some space.  I need some breathing room.  I need to stop worrying about how every decision might impact their fragile physche.  I need to be able to frickin' be on my phone while they play at the park. 

 

Because without that balance and without feeding my own soul and without setting boundaries, I can't even be a Mom.

 

I think I am just sick and tired of the pressure.  All the time.  I just want to live.  I want to enjoy the moments that I get and the ones that slip by...well, so what? 

 

I realize that this might seem controversial.  I know this article that I copied here was meant to be written in a sweet and caring and non-judgmental way.  But am I the only one who still feels the judgment?  Subtle as it may be.  We are assuming a lot of negative things about this Mom. And we don't even know her!! 

 

I feel naked and vulnerable in writing this post.  But it has been in my head ever since last Friday and I can't get it out.  So here is my bumbling attempt to express myself. 

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{Ask and you shall receive}

The weekend before last I attended a women's conference with a few friends.

I had signed up months ago and the time came, so I went.

I honestly was not in a very good place in my heart.  I felt cold towards God, discouraged and cynical.

In fact, all of those sweet Christian ladies in one place was almost too much for me.  The hugging and the smiles and the kind words were just a bit much for this girl who was more in a place of saying "Screw it all" than singing Halelujah.

I made fun of the main speaker and sat when we were supposed to stand during praise and worship. I refused to wear my name tag because I hate them.

But God knew what He was doing when He put it in my mind to commit to attending this conference so many months ago.  He has such a heart of persistant love for me.  For you too.

My heart started to soften by noon on Friday and God started speaking to me through what I was hearing in the workshops.

The class on Friday afternoon is what really hit me.  It was actually titled "4 Messages Children of Any Age Need to Hear" and I almost didn't sign up for it but something drew me to it.

What it was really all about is our identity in Christ and how God's love for us is not affected by our performance.  They talked about how, when we read the Bible, we should be asking more about "What should I be learning about WHO I AM" than thinking "What should I do?" 

This was such a balm to my soul because I struggle so much with feeling like God's love for me is based on my performance. And then I get very discouraged cuz I mess up SO much. And then I feel like God is disappointed with me.  It follows that then I withdraw from Him because I feel like He is displeased. Next thing I know, I am feeling discouraged and cynical.

The workshop leader also shared a story that impacted me in a huge way.  She said that in one of her really discouraging times, she was talking to a friend about how she felt.  She told her friend that she felt like she was sitting in the thick muck in the bottom of a pond, and she could barely see, through the murky water, the light shining from up above.  She thought to herself "If I would just have the spiritual energy and faith to swim to the surface, then maybe I could get close enough to the light to see it clearly."  And her friend, with so much grace and wisdom, said to her "What if Jesus was IN the muck WITH you??"  This so described how I often feel.  I have this notion in my head that I need to somehow get to a certain place before Jesus will reach out to meet me. 

He's in the muck WITH me??  How can that be?  How can He, the God of all creation and the Savior of the world, stand to be that close to the ugliness that is my soul?  It brings tears to my eyes even now to think of that truth. 

I sat there in the second to top row of the auditorium by myself.  I was just trying to hold back the tears. And I felt God whisper to me that I should go and talk to the lady who led the session and share with her my story.  I didn't want to, because I felt very emotional and I knew I would cry and I hate to cry in front of others.  Tears are cleansing. I know that.  But I am so used to holding my emotions in and keeping everything under control and I feel very vulnerable when I cry.

But I said "Ok, God.  I'll talk with her."  I sat there and waited until she was finished talking to someone else.  I felt kind of foolish, just hanging around.  But I waited anyway.

I walked up to her and I just said "Can you tell me more about how you got from that place of discouragement to where you are now?"  And then I started to cry.  Ugly, red faced crying.  And I couldn't stop.  She was so kind to me. So gentle.  So full of love and wisdom and grace. 

She told me that I have to remember that it is a journey.  I need to know that even sometimes when I can't see any progress being made, every time I make the choice to continue to persue my relationship with Jesus, there IS progress.  She asked me if I knew what faith it took just to continue to pursue God even when He seems far away?  No.  I didn't know that.  I didn't see that.  All I could see was where I was in relation to where I wished I would be.

And then she asked me if I knew of anything that was blocking me from going deeper in my understanding of God's love for me.  I said I couldn't think of anything, but that I would pray about it.

We finished talking and I went into the next session but this was the prayer that was on my heart and my lips.

"God.  Just show me if there is anything at all that is blocking me from understanding more of Your perfect love for me.  Help me to be willing to accept whatever you might show me."

I just prayed that prayer over and over during the course of the next day.  I felt desperate for an answer. But I had no idea when/if it would come.  I just wanted to trust Him that He knew what I could handle and when.

I spent the next day at the conference and then drove home part way with a friend.  We had a great time talking about what we had learned and about life and struggles.

The last hour I had to drive alone and instead of turning on music, as I would normally do, I just started talking to God.  Just a raw and honest and real conversation with Him about everything I was feeling and thinking.

I know this might sound weird, but it was almost like God just took over my words and they just poured out of me with such honesty and clarity and emotion that I knew it wasn't just me.  I just talked and cried and prayed and listened.

And God answered my prayer.  In the midst of that pouring out of my heart before God, He showed me something that was blocking His flow of love through me.  I had been unaware of it.

You know how sometimes you have something so painful and hard in your life and you ask God to heal it or take it away?  And you wait and you wait and you beg God and you pray and you might even fast. But nothing changes.  The struggle is still there. The temptation is still strong.

And you beat your head against the wall and you say "Why, God??  Why?  Why won't you take this away from me? I'm not asking for anything that is wrong. In fact, it seems to be a good thing.  Don't you love me?"

God showed me so clearly that I had allowed resentment and anger towards Him to creep into my heart because of an unanswered prayer that I had prayed for years.  He showed me that I had shut down my heart to trusting in His goodness because how could He, being a good God, not answer a good prayer that came from the depths of my soul?

Then He, so lovingly and kindly, showed me something else.  He showed me that the reason He could never answer that prayer completely is because I would never completely let go.  Its like He is just there waiting for me to completely release the struggle to Him and say "Whatever you want, God." Without expectation.  Just Let Go. 

I cried some more and I repented of the bitterness and distrust in God's goodness that I had let come into my heart.  I thanked Him for answering my prayer and for giving me a heart that could see the answer.  I thanked Him for knowing me so well and knowing what would speak to my heart in such a powerful way. 

And I knew that this was just another brick in the wall of trust in God.  It was also a reminder to me of how many, many times my own self  is what gets in the way of God doing His work in me.  Yet I continue to try to struggle and kick and fight for what I want and what I believe should happen, sometimes even under the guise of thinking I know what God wants for me.

He just wants me to surrender and trust Him.  That's what He wants.  So simple yet so very hard.

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{GRACE}

I am broken and flawed.

Trying to decide how much of that to show to people at times feels like a dance of terror.

I want to be perfect.  I want to get it all right.

Yet I am so far from that.  Discouragement is one of the enemy's most effective tools to use against me.  Feeling isolated and alone in my struggles is another.

My counsellor told me recently that we are all "terminally unique" until we start sharing our story with others. Let me tell you, being vulnerable and sharing your struggles takes courage. Maybe it comes naturally to some people, but I hit a certain point of openness and then I just want to shut down.

I want to keep my own secrets just that -- secrets.

The antidote is simple but so profound.

GRACE.

I can tell you that the relationships in my life that are most meaningful and sacred to me are the ones that are full of grace.  Its the things that seem little, really.  Facial expressions that show love and understanding instead of not-so-carefully-masked-as-you-think horror when I admit that thing that I did or thought the other day.  It is a spirit within the conversation in general...when the conversation is full of judgment towards others, you can bet those judgments towards me aren't going to be the exception.  Its a willingness to ask me about it later.  To not be afraid of my issues or give the impression that my "disease" might somehow rub off on you.

What is one of the best ways to allow someone else to be vulnerable with you?  It is to first be vulnerable with them.  But when you try that and you get the cold shoulder or the look of horror or something in your relationship shifts slightly after you are a bit too honest, does it really make you want to go back for more of that?  Not me.

These are things I am working through.  I know that my identity isn't in what "so and so" thinks of me.  But it still hurts when you feel like you are being punished for being honest and vulnerable.

I am struggling to learn how to be more vulnerable. I have been hurt recently and I am realizing that it did more damage than I orignally thought.  Healing from that has been an on-going process.



I spent some time with a friend this past weekend and she just glows with grace.  She makes me feel like I can be me...ugliness and all.  And it is a gift.  Such a gift.

I asked her how she learned to be so vulnerable with others and to show such grace.
She looked me in the eye and said "Its really very simple.  When you've gotten to a place where you have messed up so much that you really don't have any image to keep up, you'll find yourself being more honest and open.  When you don't care what people think so much, you will allow them to take or leave what you say."

Life just seems to me to be full of one paradox after another and this is another one of them.

We need to be soft hearted and not become calloused or jaded, but yet we need to be strong enough that it doesn't define us when others reject us. 

I feel like I have so much more to say about this, but like many other times, I struggle to find the words to write it down.

This is just a part of what is swirling around in my never-stops-thinking brain!

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{Pain}

I wrote this poem out a very dark place in early December.  I have had it sitting here in my unpublished posts for over 3 months, afraid to let it see the light of day. 

But I feel like God is saying now is the day to share it.  Maybe it can help someone else who is struggling, even if it just lets you know that you are not alone in the struggle. 

I thank God I am not in this place anymore.  There is hope!  But I can't say I'll never be there again.  Life is hard.  Pain is real.  But God is greater!


{Pain}

Running scared,
Chased by fears.
Hiding my pain
without any tears.

Many thoughts,
all a mess.
Wanting more,
but getting less.

Someone to say,
you're safe with me.
I'm not afraid
of what you might be.

The Voice keeps
chanting in my head.
Years of decisions,
where have they led?

Looking for shelter
from the storm.
Some place where
I am safe and warm.

I feel lost in a
city with no roads.
Pushing buttons but
still can't find the code.

Wanting answers,
looking for clues.
All is at stake,
yet nothing to lose.

Feeling so broken
and empty inside.
Wishing my scars
weren't so easy to hide.

Am I more fucked up
than all the rest?
Or are they just
putting forth their best?

My cry echoes
up towards the sky,
silence meets my
questions.  Why?

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How I spend my time...

I have been thinking about time management lately and wondering what exactly I spend my time on?

It feels like the days fly by and I am SO busy and yet all I seem to be doing is surviving and getting the things done that HAVE to be done.

This little experiment I did was sparked by a discussion that I had with someone where they were talking about how important is to find things to do that we are passionate about. Otherwise, life can become very mundane and boring and then we tend to look for ways of escape from our reality. And that is usually not healthy.

I wondered aloud when I would ever have time for those things?  It seems like everything takes time and costs money.  Both of which are in short supply.

You know how no matter what you want to do, "there's an app for that"?

Well, I found an app for tracking time and I decided I was going to see just exactly where my time went.

The app is called ATracker Lite and it was free on my I-phone.

It only took a little bit of time to set up all of my categories and then you just put the button by the category when you start sometime and push the button for the next category when you switch to that.  It was very simple and effective. And if you mess up or forget to stop when you should or whatever, you can edit it or correct it afterwards.

I figured it would also keep me on task because if I am in the "bookwork" category, then I don't have time to be surfing Facebook in between. I had been reading anyway how multi-tasking is not productive, so I thought that this would also keep me focused on one thing at a time and maybe that would be good for me.

Honestly, that thing about multi-tasking is still up for debate in my brain.  I DO feel like I accomplish more because I multi-task.  But, hey, who am I to argue with experts?

So, last week from Monday morning to Thursday night I kept diligent track of my time.  This was a very normal/average week for me, so it gives a good snapshot of my life.  Mundane as it is.

If inquiring minds want to know, here is how I spent my time for 4 days.

Sleeping -- 25 hours  (This was kind of frustrating to me that I spent a THIRD of my time sleeping, although I guess I should be thankful that I get a solid 8 hours of sleep pretty much every night.)

Bookwork -- 20.5 hours (This included bookwork that I did away from home and at home.)

Driving -- 2.5 hours

Errands -- 2 hours and 45 minutes (Those dang errands!!  And this didn't even include grocery shopping, because I didn't go in those 4 days.)

Exercising -- 1 hour

Food prep and eating -- 3.5 hours (I guess we had a lot of quick suppers that week. I know we had leftovers at one meal.  But I don't usually spend a lot of time cooking as a general rule. I do quick and easy.)

Fun for me -- 45 minutes (I think that this was trying on new clothing/outfits that I had bought.)

Housework -- 2 hours and 11 minutes (Laundry, dishwasher, random cleaning, packing lunches, etc.)

Reading -- 1 hour and 12 minutes

Rest/Time with God -- 1 hour and 9 minutes (this was devotional time and meditation time)

Showering and getting ready -- 2.5 hours (This was one that seemed high to me.  But I honestly think that I am pretty low maintenance when it comes to getting ready, etc.  I have to leave the house appropriately dressed pretty much every day, but still, I am curious how this would compare to other women.)

Shopping -- 41 minutes (This could probably also go in the "Fun for me" category. This was a little clothing shopping outing to brighten my Monday!)

Talking on the phone -- 26 minutes.  (I talked on the phone more than this, but I was either doing housework or bookwork while I talked, so I put that into those categories.  This was time where I was just sitting and talking on the phone. Which rarely happens with me.)

Time with friends -- 7 hours (This seemed really high to me.  But it included our weekly Community Group/Bible Study, my weekly coffee with my parents, and my weekly "Wednesday Girls" get together. So this would be pretty normal. Plus, I often have another social thing or two in my week, like book club or going out for dinner with a friend.)

Time with Jeremy -- 2 hours and 24 minutes (This was time with Jeremy that was not also "Time with Kids" or "Time with friends" where he was along. I should have maybe called it "alone time with Jeremy".  Not much in four days, though, is it?)

Time with kids -- 4 hours and 37 minutes (Basically, what I found is that whenever I had "spare time" I would pretty much hang out with the kids.  This didn't include meal times or times in the morning when I was working on housework as they were getting ready for school or whatever.  They are gone to school so much of the time, that during the week I try to be with them when I can.)

Watching TV -- 20 minutes (1 episode of "Community" -- One thing you cannot put on me is that I spend too much time watching TV.  I rarely watch it.  I don't have time!)

Web surfing/blog reading/Facebook -- 2 hours (I thought that this category might be a lot higher, which was one of the reasons that I wanted to track my time.  And some of this time was even productive type of web surfing, where I was looking up something specific, etc.  So not much to cut out there!)

And that was it.  My whole 4 days. And then I left for 2 days for a Women's Conference, so that is where it stopped.

I honestly felt kind of discouraged by this. Because I didn't see a lot of places to cut things and make more time for something I am passionate about.

I guess sleeping less would be one of the most obvious, but I feel like that would affect me negatively anyway.

Comments or thoughts?

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{Questioning the Means to the End}

Looking at this picture, I have no clue why we were hesitant to buy Kendall a gun.

Do you?  (ha, ha)

You know how sometimes you try the same things over and over with your strong willed child and it seems to be to no avail?

Things like patience and kindness and love.

And, then, one day your son comes home from school with homework.

Immediately, he starts in to the same old pattern.  Whining. Fussing. Crying.

He's 8. Ok. Let's not forget that small fact.  He's not 2 any more.

There are other ways to communicate.

So I said to him, calmly but firmly.  "Listen. You need to stop crying and whining. I will help you. But you need to talk in a regular voice."

His teacher had recently confirmed that he NEVER cries about his work at school.  So I know he is capable of doing homework without tears.

After a few exchanges back and forth, I said "You need to stop using that voice" and then he said "Well, then you need to stop using that voice." 

He says its my yelling voice.  Really, it is just me being stern and talking in a moderate but firm voice.

I said "Ok, you stop whining and crying and talk in your regular voice and I'll do the same."

We attempted to proceed.

But there was just more crying and fussing.

So I yelled loudly (actually yelled) at him "GET YOUR WORK DONE!" 

He looked at me with surprise and the corner of his mouth turned up in a twitchy smile.

He knew what was going on.  He was whining so I was really and truly yelling.

But, he couldn't quite decide to find it funny.

After all. Mom had yelled.  How dare she???

He said something else whiny and I yelled (yes, really yelled) again. 

"I DON'T CARE. JUST DO YOUR HOMEWORK!"

This time, his face turned into a pout and he stormed off to his room and slammed the door.

Repeatedly.

I wondered if I had just made a parenting error.  Maybe had a lapse in judgement.

Because I know that 2 wrongs don't make a right.  Usually, at least.

But...we have had this homework (crying, whining) issue for quite some time and frankly, I was just pretty fed up with it.

I was ready to try something different.

Guess what?  After about 10 minutes he came out of his room.

His math homework was done.

He was part way finished with his other homework sheet and this time, when he asked for help from me, he used a reasonable and normal tone of voice.

And so did I.

The homework was finished within 10 minutes after his re-appearance and the rest of the day continued on without any further ado.

If you were appalled while reading this, then I would be interested in hearing a better solution.

Did I cross the line?  Does the fact that I got my message across justify the means by which I did it?

I'm not sure.

But the homework did get done. The attitude did change.

I'm just left wondering if it was all OK.

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Another Kid Birthday Party

It is one of those days where I am not feeling much inspiration.

But...I have these pictures already uploaded so I figured I may as well do a little blog post about Kendall's 8th birthday party, which was about 2 weeks ago.

Does anyone else get stressed out by birthday parties?

Even when I think back on them, usually I remembered feel flushed and frenzied. 

It often seems as if it doesn't work out for Jeremy to be around to help with the party, so that leaves me to chaperone and feed and deal with 8 - 10 kids. On my own.  (Thankfully, for this one, my friend Morgan agreed to come and watch the kids at the pool for a bit while I got the room where the party was to be held all ready.  If you're reading this, Morgan, thanks SO much. You were a life saver!!)

I grew up without much birthday celebration.  I don't recall being sad about that, but I wanted at least a little something more for my kids.

Truth be told, I actually really enjoy the "pre-party" portion of the planning.  I like deciding on a theme and ordering the supplies and scouring Pinterest for the ideas and making the cake.

Its just the couple hours of the actual party that always seem kind of crazy.

Granted, it has gotten a bit easier as my kids (and their friends) get older, but it still feels like a lot to manage.

I think the reasons I keep repeating the craziness are these:

1.  My kids LOVE their birthday parties and look forward to them so much!
2.  I only have three kids.  So that means this only occurs three times a year. I can deal with that.

So, without further ado --

Pictures!!

The whole crew.

The cake.  The theme of his party was "Gold" because it was his golden birthday!

A "rainbow" with a pot of gold at the end of it!  (This is when Derrick made his comment about "kids these days not eating fruit anymore.")

Gold drawstring goody bags for the kids.

In the pool!

Opening gifts!

A blurry picture of my 8 year old blowing out the candles.

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5 Minute Friday {Beloved}

I am linking up today with The Gypsy Mama's 5 minute Friday.

The word is "Beloved" and here are the rules that she has posted on her blog.

1. Write for 5 minutes flat with no editing, tweaking or self critiquing.
2. Link back here and invite others to join in {you can grab the button code in my blog’s footer}.
3. Go and tell the person who linked up before you what their words meant to you. Every writer longs to feel heard.


GO

When I think of the word "beloved" my mind just continues to gravitate towards God.  We are His Beloved.  He created us to be the objects of His love and for us to return that love to Him.

Growing up, I didn't hear much about the love of God or His grace. Maybe it was just my filter or my personality, or maybe there really wasn't much of that teaching TO hear, but either way, the reason is not the point.

I grew up scared of God and feeling like He was always disappointed with me and frustrated with me. I struggle with feeling this way to this very day.

I feel like I am on a life long mission to learn what it means to really understand that I AM God's beloved.

I have been listening to this youtube video by Graham Cooke and it is SO good for me to hear.  I so desperately want this truth of how God feels about me to totally sink into my heart and not just be a head knowledge.  I would totally encourage you to take the time to listen to this video. It is about 8 minutes long.

Close your eyes.  Meditate on the words that he is saying. And the words that He is saying.  Let it soak in.

I believe that understanding our role as the Beloved of God's will revolutionize our lives, if we can just really "get" it.  It will change the way we view ourselves.  It will change the way we view our relationships with others. And most importantly, it will change our view of God.

I had an experience about a month ago that almost feels too sacred to write about, but God really, really made His love real to me in a euphoric, uplifting, sacred, amazing way.  The feeling that I had when I had even just a glimpse of His radical love for me gave me a small taste of what I might be missing by not really grasping or understanding the way that He loves me.

STOP

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{What We Wore}

I had started a category on my blog called "What We Wore" but I haven't been posting much on there lately.

When I was working on my blog the other day, I was reminded and inspired to post in that vein a little more often.

The "we" in "What We Wore" is Nikki and I.  At least generally.

My boys dress very boring.  Wind pants (or whatever the proper term is for those kind of pants) and a long sleeved t-shirt.  Every.single.day. I do not have any preppy boys in my family!

So, yesterday Nikki and I took a couple of pictures in front of the library.

She was really crabby but when I asked her if I could take her picture, after an initial grumpy "NO!" she brightened up and got all happy.  That girls loves clothes just like I do!

See...she ever smiled for the picture

These grey boots of her are so dang cute. I wish I had a pair for myself.

This outfit she wouldn't wear for most of the school year, and then all of a sudden it became a favorite for some unknown reason. Now, it is in her weekly rotation and I think it is adorable!

Also, one of Nikki's most recent drawings...

This is a chalk drawing she did at school.  I ♥ it!



This is a snowman, according to Nikki. With pink wings.  I don't ask questions, I just listen to the explanation and say encouraging words.

 And then there is my outfit from yesterday.

You want to hear a confession?  I am also wearing this outfit today.  I didn't wear it ALL day yesterday and the same people won't see me today. Plus, I felt really good in this, so I thought "Why not?" 

Is that super weird?

I know it looks like I am leaning really weird on this picture, but I am pretty sure it is the angle from which the pint-size photographer took the picture.

I bought this little tunic/dress at my friend Morgan's store (The Scarlet Poppe) a week or so ago.

I just paired it with some basics.  Black leggings.  Black boots. Black belt.  Black long sleeved shirt.

And my grey socks. I like those!

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I have noticed lately that my default facial expression is a wrinkled brow and a sort of straight lipped look. As if I am trying to figure out all of the questions and complexities of life right.at.this.moment.  Which is exactly what I AM trying to do.

It is exhausting!

I spent some time yesterday texting with a friend and talking to God about why I cannot seem to learn to rest and feel peace.

I don't have a lot of answers, but I did feel like God gave me some guidance.  And a measure of peace.

You see, what "we wore" can be more than our clothing, for sure.  It can be the expression on our face, which probably makes more of an impact than our clothing anyway.  So I want to be aware of my expression and what it is portraying!

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Let's Talk Earrings

Some days, as a blogger, you tackle serious subjects.

And then other days, you write about earrings! 

Not that I am not passionate about earrings.  Don't get me wrong. 

I have quite a collection!

Especially since I only got my ears pierced less than 5 years ago, at the ripe old age of 29 or 30.

Earrings are definitely my favorite type of jewelry.

Above necklaces or bracelets or rings.

I have this earrings holder (which I think I have shown on my blog before) that holds about 96 pairs of earrings.

By process of counting how many empty holes there are on the whole things, I have calculated that I own right about 75 pairs of earrings.

That number was even a bit shocking to me!

Rather than try to show you my whole collection (other than this picture), I thought I would just show you the last 5 pairs of earrings I have bought.  Probably all within the last 3 weeks or so.

I bought these at Maurice's for a couple of dollars.  $2.99 I think.  The bottom part is actually clear, but it looks red because the background is red.

I found these at Old Navy over the weekend.  Again, $2.99.  That is one thing that I love about earrings. How cheap you can get them.  These are nice and thick/heavy too. They seem to be made pretty well.

I like these so well that I planned my whole outfit around them today.  Yes, sometimes I do that. Plan my outfit around my earrings.  Hey, its a place to start and this girl needs all the help she can get!

My only wish was that it was summer so that I could wear my red peep-toe high heels with this outfit.  That would have made me happy.

These were a splurge.  I had a $10 coupon for Maurice's but you can only use it on a single item.  Since I generally buy things ON SALE there and they cost maybe $6 or $7 a piece, I decided to just pick out some jewelry that was $10 or more and get it free with my coupon.  I found these, which I love!  All of the little bars hang individually so they swing back and forth.

It really IS the small things in life, right?

These I bought at Spencer's over the weekend.  They were having a deal where you buy one piece of jewelry and you get another one for a dollar!!  I bought Jeremy and cross necklace and then I had to pick something out for myself!  I really like these earrings, so it was totally worth the trip into that store!  (PS -- Don't think I don't think you were all like "What was she doing in Spencer's?" --- Let me just say this...going into that store will bring out the prude in you.  There are too many things to try to avert your eyes from, all the while trying not to notice what OTHER people are looking at.) 



I found these at Goodwill for $2.99 -- Aren't they just unique?

 
Does anyone notice a theme in the last 5 pairs of earrings I bought??

Bonus points for you if you notice it!

So there you have it...the update you have all been waiting for.  Ha, ha.

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My Love/Hate Relationship

This is me.

This is my I-phone.

(well, this is a phone that looks a lot like my phone.  I have found that it is nearly impossible to take a picture of your phone WITH your phone!  Ha, ha!)

I have a love/hate relationship with my I-phone.

Historically, it has mostly been a love relationship.

Love the apps.  Love the voice to text feature. Love the internet access. Love how easy it is to use. Love playing Words with Friends. Love being accessible to my friends.

But recently I have been feeling like my phone is running my life.

Somewhere along the way, it seems like the power has shifted and now my phone controls me, not the other way around.

For instance, last Friday when I let Derrick play hooky from school and we went on our date, I told him that I will try not to be on my phone while we are together.

Next thing I know, I am texting a friend to let her know why I can't return her call.

Then a friend texted me to ask if we could do coffee on short notice.  Well, I didn't think it would be polite to wait to respond to that text. If it was me, I would want to know how to plan.

Later on, a friend that I text with regularly sent me a message.  Since I usually respond pretty quickly, I didn't want her to start wondering why I didn't write back more quickly.

Then another friend texted me to confirm dinner plans for the evening and decide where we were going to go.  That meant I needed to text Jeremy.  And on it went.

And soon Derrick was saying, in an accusing tone, "Mom! I thought you said you weren't going to be on your phone!!"

I explained to him that I had to get back to some people, but still...

I DO love staying in touch with my friends. I love the ease of texting.  And I have to say, I appreciate when friends are quick to respond and you don't have to wait for hours to get a reply.

But in an effort to unclutter my mind and feel more peaceful, I am wondering if I need to set up some boundaries for me and my I-phone.

I don't know where to start. Or even if I want to.  When I think of only checking my phone on the hour, it makes me feel kind of panicky. 

Maybe I could check it when it alerts me to a text or a reminder, but if it isn't urgent, I could wait to respond until later.

I don't know.  It is just something I have been thinking about.

What is your relationship like with your phone?  Do you love your phone?  Do you hate it?  Do you feel like it important to be accessible to others?  Does the constant checking of your phone, responding to texts, checking your e-mail and playing games make your mind feel cluttered and distracted?  Or is it just part of life?

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{Weekly Bits and Pieces}

It is after 3 o'clock on Monday afternoon.

I haven't figured out yet what I am making for dinner, other than buying some focaccia bread randomly a few hours ago.

I have bookwork to do and the kids will be home in less than an hour.

But sometimes, when you feel like writing, you just have to take the time to do it.  It feeds the soul!

Inspired by my friend Rachel, I thought I would do a "Miscellaneous Monday" post.

I am hoping that she subscribes to the philosophy that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Otherwise, she might be annoyed at my blantant copying of her idea. 

I did think it would be a bit over the top to call title my post "Miscellaneous Monday", hence the name you see for this blog post! ;-)


This morning I went for coffee with a good friend. I ordered a decaf mocha (it was too bitter for my liking) and sat and chatted with her for about an hour. 

In the midst of our discussion, she told me how much she likes my blog.  I didn't even know she read my blog. She went on to say some nice and encouraging things about my writing and I somewhat sheepishly admitted that I do have a dream to one day write a book.  She said "Well, maybe when the kids are older you will be able to take some time off and do that."  I've thought the same thing.  But I also wonder if that is just excuse for me not to get started now.

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Have you ever noticed how certain phrases really catch on in the on-line world and pretty soon everybody (including me) is using them?  Even if they wouldn't use them in real life?  It is actually kind of annoying and I am bothered by the fact that I participate.

For instance:

"hand raised"
"excited squeals" and it's more active but quieter cousin "happy dance"
"love, love, love __________"
"hugs" and, I think you might get extra points if you use a "z" at the end instead of an "s"
"if I lived closer I would totally..."  (Really?  Are you SURE you would?)
"melt me"
"yay"
"I totally heart that"

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Our basement is where I send the kids when they get too rowdy.  It is where they can leave things a mess and don't have to clean up.  Unless someone is coming over.

The other week we were having company and I had the kids clean up the basement. Just in case. As our guests were about to leave for the evening Nikki said, loudly, and in front of them -- "Why did we have to clean up the basement?? They didn't even go down there!!!" 

Thanks for that, Nicole Danielle.  Thankfully, our friends have a good sense of humor and got a big kick out of it.

Anyway, most of the time our basement looks like a Toy's R Us and a Bed, Bath and Beyond mated and then had about 100 children and abandoned them to fend for themselves in our basement.

I could have taken more pictures, but you get the idea.  I think I have sufficiently proved my point!

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This morning at the coffee shop I bought a dollar's worth of these little bits of awesomeness.

Dark chocolate covered sea salt caramels.

Seriously. So good!

I would totally share them with you if you "lived closer".

Like in my own house.

Maybe.  Or maybe not.

At least that sounded generous.

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Lately I have been experiencing an irrational fear when I am lying in the tanning bed.

I have been tanning once a week for years.

But recently I have been afraid that I am going to be lying there and the bulbs are going to inexplicable burst and cut my body a 1,000 different places.

I picture a huge slice of glass cutting my throat and as I lie there naked and bleeding to death, no one will know.  Because the timer still says "7 minutes" to go.

I'm not sure how to get this idea out of my head.

I am also not sure if this ever happens, but I am afraid to Google it for fear it DOES happen and then I will have some proof that my fear actually could happen.

And then I might have to quit tanning.

And I am SO not ready for that.

There. You can feel better about yourself now.  I really AM the crazy one.

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Nikki's latest drawing for me, which was presented to me yesterday.  It is "her blowing bubbles in the summertime."  I love it.  She still draws people like that and I really don't want to tell her to stop. I know she'll figure it out soon enough.

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I don't know if anyone remembers me talking about how my Mom has written my grandmother a letter every.single.week of the year for 23 years now!

And how we all thought that my Grandma had throw some of the letter away.

I so mourned the loss of those letters because I was planning get them back from my Grandma and read through them. They are such a snapshot of our lives!! I'm not even usually that sentimental, but about this, I was.

Anyway, last summer my Mom was cleaning my Grandma's garage and she found a whole sack of the letters. Apparently, my Grandma was going to burn them and never quite got around to getting them our to the burn pile.

I was estactic.  In January, Mom and Dad were in Pennsylvania and Mom brought back this whole box of letters.  There must be over a thousand of them.  I started reading some yesterday and brought another stack home with me to read when I get a chance!

So fun! 

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On Saturday the kids and I worked on their Valentine's.  I know I am early, but I was freaking out about when we would get them done.  Between Kendall's birthday party and Jeremy and I going away for the weekend, I knew Valentine's was totally going to sneak up on me.

And since I really enjoy doing that kind of thing with them, we decided to get it done early.

This is for Derrick's classmates.

Kendall's

Nikki's

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Saturday evening Jeremy and the kids were all sitting around watching "America's Funniest Home Videos" while I was spending some time alone in the other room.

It was so cool to hear them laughing together.

Finally, I came out and took a picture. 

This picture makes me feel all warm and fuzzy.

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That was also the same night that I made the family some peach milkshakes. 

And when one got spilled on the table, this is what happened next.

I am not sure who raised these boys to be this unmannerly, but I am NOT taking responsibility for this behavior!

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This is the door to Nikki's room. 

A list of who may come in.

A picture of her aunt and uncle.

A Sponge Bob sticker.

A February calendar.

And a ground-hog puppet.

Did I mention that the door to her room is right off of our dining room?

So yes, she adds a touch of "class" to my dining room decor.

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Since this seems to be the post of inspiration by others, I will also mention my friend Amber. 

She writes a wonderful blog and back in November she wrote a post about how she let the kids skip school one day.  You can read it here.  Very interesting.

She inspired me to do something with my children that I have never done before.  I decided that I would, through out the rest of the school year, pick one day where I would let them play hooky from school and they would just have a fun day with Mom.

Totally centered about them.

I decided Derrick would be first because he is most likely to keep a secret so that I am able to surprise the other children in the same way later in the year.

I communicate with his teacher beforehand, and then at 9 o'clock on Friday I showed up at his school and had him called up to the front office.

Just the look on his face was totally worth it!!

Once we got in the van, I explained that, yes, he was skipping school for the rest of the day and he and I were just going to hang out!

He was so happy.  Except that he did inform me that they had gym that day, which is his all time fav!

But, he hastened to add "This is more fun!"

This is apparently the fact that Derrick now makes when he knows I am taking a picture.

Let me just tell you. He looks much more handsome when he is NOT making this particular face.

But I guess this will have to do until he figures that out.

We went bowling.  He almost beat me.  But not quite.

Lunch was at Applebees.

This is Derrick famous line whenever I ask where he wants to go to eat

"Just give me any restaurant that serves a cheeseburger and I will be fine!"

So a bacon cheddar cheeseburger it was.

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And I will leave you with this parting shot.

Kendall can do things with his body that should be earning him some kind of awards. Somewhere.

He was seriously just laying on the floor like this.

Relaxing. 

If I tried this, I would probably be crying. 

He can also use his foot as a pretend telephone and scratch his head with his foot. 

That boy is "bendy!" 

Be impressed. Be very impressed!

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Happy Monday to you! 

Monday is always my worst day of the week.  Now that it is almost over, the rest is all downhill!

Yay!

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