I had signed up months ago and the time came, so I went.
I honestly was not in a very good place in my heart. I felt cold towards God, discouraged and cynical.
In fact, all of those sweet Christian ladies in one place was almost too much for me. The hugging and the smiles and the kind words were just a bit much for this girl who was more in a place of saying "Screw it all" than singing Halelujah.
I made fun of the main speaker and sat when we were supposed to stand during praise and worship. I refused to wear my name tag because I hate them.
But God knew what He was doing when He put it in my mind to commit to attending this conference so many months ago. He has such a heart of persistant love for me. For you too.
My heart started to soften by noon on Friday and God started speaking to me through what I was hearing in the workshops.
The class on Friday afternoon is what really hit me. It was actually titled "4 Messages Children of Any Age Need to Hear" and I almost didn't sign up for it but something drew me to it.
What it was really all about is our identity in Christ and how God's love for us is not affected by our performance. They talked about how, when we read the Bible, we should be asking more about "What should I be learning about WHO I AM" than thinking "What should I do?"
This was such a balm to my soul because I struggle so much with feeling like God's love for me is based on my performance. And then I get very discouraged cuz I mess up SO much. And then I feel like God is disappointed with me. It follows that then I withdraw from Him because I feel like He is displeased. Next thing I know, I am feeling discouraged and cynical.
The workshop leader also shared a story that impacted me in a huge way. She said that in one of her really discouraging times, she was talking to a friend about how she felt. She told her friend that she felt like she was sitting in the thick muck in the bottom of a pond, and she could barely see, through the murky water, the light shining from up above. She thought to herself "If I would just have the spiritual energy and faith to swim to the surface, then maybe I could get close enough to the light to see it clearly." And her friend, with so much grace and wisdom, said to her "What if Jesus was IN the muck WITH you??" This so described how I often feel. I have this notion in my head that I need to somehow get to a certain place before Jesus will reach out to meet me.
He's in the muck WITH me?? How can that be? How can He, the God of all creation and the Savior of the world, stand to be that close to the ugliness that is my soul? It brings tears to my eyes even now to think of that truth.
I sat there in the second to top row of the auditorium by myself. I was just trying to hold back the tears. And I felt God whisper to me that I should go and talk to the lady who led the session and share with her my story. I didn't want to, because I felt very emotional and I knew I would cry and I hate to cry in front of others. Tears are cleansing. I know that. But I am so used to holding my emotions in and keeping everything under control and I feel very vulnerable when I cry.
But I said "Ok, God. I'll talk with her." I sat there and waited until she was finished talking to someone else. I felt kind of foolish, just hanging around. But I waited anyway.
I walked up to her and I just said "Can you tell me more about how you got from that place of discouragement to where you are now?" And then I started to cry. Ugly, red faced crying. And I couldn't stop. She was so kind to me. So gentle. So full of love and wisdom and grace.
She told me that I have to remember that it is a journey. I need to know that even sometimes when I can't see any progress being made, every time I make the choice to continue to persue my relationship with Jesus, there IS progress. She asked me if I knew what faith it took just to continue to pursue God even when He seems far away? No. I didn't know that. I didn't see that. All I could see was where I was in relation to where I wished I would be.
And then she asked me if I knew of anything that was blocking me from going deeper in my understanding of God's love for me. I said I couldn't think of anything, but that I would pray about it.
We finished talking and I went into the next session but this was the prayer that was on my heart and my lips.
"God. Just show me if there is anything at all that is blocking me from understanding more of Your perfect love for me. Help me to be willing to accept whatever you might show me."
I just prayed that prayer over and over during the course of the next day. I felt desperate for an answer. But I had no idea when/if it would come. I just wanted to trust Him that He knew what I could handle and when.
I spent the next day at the conference and then drove home part way with a friend. We had a great time talking about what we had learned and about life and struggles.
The last hour I had to drive alone and instead of turning on music, as I would normally do, I just started talking to God. Just a raw and honest and real conversation with Him about everything I was feeling and thinking.
I know this might sound weird, but it was almost like God just took over my words and they just poured out of me with such honesty and clarity and emotion that I knew it wasn't just me. I just talked and cried and prayed and listened.
And God answered my prayer. In the midst of that pouring out of my heart before God, He showed me something that was blocking His flow of love through me. I had been unaware of it.
You know how sometimes you have something so painful and hard in your life and you ask God to heal it or take it away? And you wait and you wait and you beg God and you pray and you might even fast. But nothing changes. The struggle is still there. The temptation is still strong.
And you beat your head against the wall and you say "Why, God?? Why? Why won't you take this away from me? I'm not asking for anything that is wrong. In fact, it seems to be a good thing. Don't you love me?"
God showed me so clearly that I had allowed resentment and anger towards Him to creep into my heart because of an unanswered prayer that I had prayed for years. He showed me that I had shut down my heart to trusting in His goodness because how could He, being a good God, not answer a good prayer that came from the depths of my soul?
Then He, so lovingly and kindly, showed me something else. He showed me that the reason He could never answer that prayer completely is because I would never completely let go. Its like He is just there waiting for me to completely release the struggle to Him and say "Whatever you want, God." Without expectation. Just Let Go.
I cried some more and I repented of the bitterness and distrust in God's goodness that I had let come into my heart. I thanked Him for answering my prayer and for giving me a heart that could see the answer. I thanked Him for knowing me so well and knowing what would speak to my heart in such a powerful way.
And I knew that this was just another brick in the wall of trust in God. It was also a reminder to me of how many, many times my own self is what gets in the way of God doing His work in me. Yet I continue to try to struggle and kick and fight for what I want and what I believe should happen, sometimes even under the guise of thinking I know what God wants for me.
He just wants me to surrender and trust Him. That's what He wants. So simple yet so very hard.
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