I found myself going to the kitchen and getting a slice of pizza and then a bowl of ice cream. Comfort foods, I guess. We can learn so much about ourselves if we are conscious and observe the way we respond in situations and how we handle emotions. In this case, turning to food for comfort. Yay! Another "issue" to be aware of. I'm always happy when I discover those. (italics is my sarcasm font)
I took my ice cream and went and sat outside on the porch swing in the warm September sun. I wanted to cry. Mostly because I am afraid. Very afraid.
I've observed this...I may think that I don't have fears until I actually am in a situation where I have to face them.
You can talk for years about how you are not afraid of the dark if you always make sure to stay inside after dark with all the lights in the house turned on. But you step outside that front door and actually face the darkness, you'll find those fears coming right to the surface.
Of what am I afraid, you might ask?
Here are some fears that I can verbalize in relation to this project I am embarking upon.
What if no one responds to my invite? (This one was obviously an unnecessary fear and I was overhwhelmed and grateful for the response that I received from people yesterday. Thank you!)
What if the interviews are awkward and I ask all the wrong questions and people don't open up?
What if I fail at this whole thing and it just flops and nothing comes of it? The biggest fear in this is that I will let myself down and confirm my fears that I am not meant for anything out of the ordinary.
What if I don't have the skills needed to pull this thing together?
What if I get into an interview and there is a lot of emotion and I say the wrong thing or come across as insensitive?
What if this project causes me to look into things in my own life that I'm not ready to deal with?
Something (God) prompted me to study the words "What If". Could they spell something else backwards? (Not anything that made sense.) But when I looked more closely, the words "what if", when re-arranged, spell "Faith" (with a leftover w - just to mess with my OCD tendencies). Who knew??
That's the trade off I need to make. Let go of all the "what if's" and have Faith. I have no idea what all that looks like but I know that what it doesn't look like is certainty.
Or, how about turning those "What if's" into positives instead of negatives?
What if someone's life is helped or healed in some way through sharing their story, maybe for the first time?
What if the book is published one day and it impacts even one life or helps one person to realize they are not alone?
What if this is the beginning of a great part of my journey and process towards wholeness and healing?
What if God is in all of this in a bigger way than I can imagine?
What if one other person is inspired to step out and pursue a dream that they've had in their heart?
What If versus Faith. Like so very many things in life, its just a matter of perspective!