{GRACE}

I am broken and flawed.

Trying to decide how much of that to show to people at times feels like a dance of terror.

I want to be perfect.  I want to get it all right.

Yet I am so far from that.  Discouragement is one of the enemy's most effective tools to use against me.  Feeling isolated and alone in my struggles is another.

My counsellor told me recently that we are all "terminally unique" until we start sharing our story with others. Let me tell you, being vulnerable and sharing your struggles takes courage. Maybe it comes naturally to some people, but I hit a certain point of openness and then I just want to shut down.

I want to keep my own secrets just that -- secrets.

The antidote is simple but so profound.

GRACE.

I can tell you that the relationships in my life that are most meaningful and sacred to me are the ones that are full of grace.  Its the things that seem little, really.  Facial expressions that show love and understanding instead of not-so-carefully-masked-as-you-think horror when I admit that thing that I did or thought the other day.  It is a spirit within the conversation in general...when the conversation is full of judgment towards others, you can bet those judgments towards me aren't going to be the exception.  Its a willingness to ask me about it later.  To not be afraid of my issues or give the impression that my "disease" might somehow rub off on you.

What is one of the best ways to allow someone else to be vulnerable with you?  It is to first be vulnerable with them.  But when you try that and you get the cold shoulder or the look of horror or something in your relationship shifts slightly after you are a bit too honest, does it really make you want to go back for more of that?  Not me.

These are things I am working through.  I know that my identity isn't in what "so and so" thinks of me.  But it still hurts when you feel like you are being punished for being honest and vulnerable.

I am struggling to learn how to be more vulnerable. I have been hurt recently and I am realizing that it did more damage than I orignally thought.  Healing from that has been an on-going process.



I spent some time with a friend this past weekend and she just glows with grace.  She makes me feel like I can be me...ugliness and all.  And it is a gift.  Such a gift.

I asked her how she learned to be so vulnerable with others and to show such grace.
She looked me in the eye and said "Its really very simple.  When you've gotten to a place where you have messed up so much that you really don't have any image to keep up, you'll find yourself being more honest and open.  When you don't care what people think so much, you will allow them to take or leave what you say."

Life just seems to me to be full of one paradox after another and this is another one of them.

We need to be soft hearted and not become calloused or jaded, but yet we need to be strong enough that it doesn't define us when others reject us. 

I feel like I have so much more to say about this, but like many other times, I struggle to find the words to write it down.

This is just a part of what is swirling around in my never-stops-thinking brain!

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