I used to use a website called "Random Word Generator" or something of that sort and whatever word came up on there, I would base my blog post around that.
Now, I am using an app called "Inspire Me" and it gives me a list of three words and I choose the one that I want to blog about that day.
It is fun for me and gets my creativity flowing when I have a word to base my blog post off of.
I love to write. Ever since I could write, I remember enjoying it. I kept a diary back as early as 7 or 8 years old. It still bothers me immensely that somewhere along the way this particular diary got lost. I have questioned my family members about it, I have had my Mom look for it, I have looked and looked for it. All to no avail. That aside, writing has always been a way for me to get my thoughts organized and be able to say things that are sometimes hard for me to put into words otherwise.
I have been known to write notes to Jeremy when we are in the midst of a disagreement or argument or something tough that we are trying to work through. Sometimes, when I feel really emotional about something and I try to say it, the words get stuck in my throat. But when I write, it just comes out and usually I am able to be more open and honest in writing than when I try to say something difficult to Jeremy.
People often have told me that I should "write a book". And I would love to. But there are a few problems that I have. #1) I would feel extremely unqualified to be an actual writer of a book #2) I don't really feel like I have anything new to say and #3) I would have to feel passionate about and sure of the subject I wanted to write about, because that is when I write best.
It is kind of like my tattoo that I am getting. I had to wait until I KNEW what I wanted before I go ahead with it. It had to feel right to me. That is how I feel about writing a book. I am not opposed to doing it, but I would have to feel sure of my subject matter, sure that it was something I could write about, and sure that it would not be an epic failure before I would want to write it.
What does all of that have to do with my random word of the day? Not much. I just kind of got to rambling there.
Sorry.
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So...about the word "past".
I have happened to read two books back to back that both had a lot to do with the past and with memories.
The first one I already did a book review on. It was called "The Memory Palace" and was about the daughter of a schizophreniac woman. The book is all about her reconstrucing memories from her past and re-telling them. It was a healing process for her. Some of the memories she had repressed because of how difficult they were.
Then, last night, I just finished a book called "The Year of Fog" about a girl who was kidnapped. It was written from the perspective of the woman who was with her when she got kidnapped and how she tried and tried to recall details of that day that might give some sort of clue to the disappearance of the little girl. The book talked a lot about memories and how the mind works in regards to memory, etc. It was really intrigueing.
There are these trite saying about "not letting the past define us", and while I think that we need to move on from the past instead of letting it control us and make us bitter, I think it is an impossibility not to be at least somewhat defined by our past.
I believe that our lives are made up of a series of memories and experiences that dictate how we live our lives today. You touch the hot stove and you get burned...you remember that and you don't touch the stove again. Does that mean that the past is defining you? No. But the past experience definitely influences how you interact with a hot stove today.
I like this quote that I found:
The past is our definition. We may strive, with good reason, to escape it, or to escape what is bad in it, but we will escape it only by adding something better to it. ~Wendell Berry
and this one, which has a haunting poetry to it:
Each has his past shut in him like the leaves of a book known to him by heart and his friends can only read the title. ~Virginia Woolf
In the book "The Year of Fog" she talked a lot about how we change our memories with time. Things that were just OK become better and things that we can't quite remember the details of, we just fill in with our imagination. Over time, we can hardly distinguish between what actually happened and the details that our imagination filled in.
There are lots of people who mistake their imagination for their memory. ~Josh Billings
In memory's telephoto lens, far objects are magnified. ~John Updike
I get it that there are a lot of times that we would want to forget some of our past. It can be painful and hard to think about. We may feel shame or guilt or anger about things that happened in our past.
But did you ever stop to consider what a gift memory is?
In the book, she did a lot of studying and reading about memory and she tried to figure out how to remember details of that fateful day the kidnapping happened. She learned that there was once a guy (true life story) who couldn't remember anything for more than about 2 minutes. Think about doing a task as simple as making a meal and not having a memory that lasted for more than 2 minutes. You would have potatoes boiling on the stove and then completely forget what you were going to make with the potatoes.
There was also an example of a man who remembered every.single.little.detail of every memory. His life was a living hell because he could never forget anything. So he would walk down a street and be completely and utterly overwhelmed by memories for every other time he walked down that street. The sights and sounds and smells of every time he had been there would flood his senses. He could barely even function.
I don't think that we get to decide what we remember and what we forget. I read in this book that within an hour of something happening, we forget all but 10% of what we learned and experienced. That surprised me. I figured that an hour later I would remember more than that.
Memory is a child walking along a seashore. You never can tell what small pebble it will pick up and store away among its treasured things. ~Pierce Harris, Atlanta Journal
I have long been fascinated with the past and especially where it intersects with memories. I love to recall my own memories, especially of childhood.
This summer, I was lamenting to some friends that I don't seem to have a very good memory. And that it bothers me. We got to discussing this subject and one of my friends asked me if I tend to remember HOW I felt more than the actual details of a memory. I realized that is definitely true of me. It made me feel better. Like maybe I don't actually have such a bad memory, but that I just remember differently than some people.
For instance, I got to spend a couple of days with my grandparents when I was about 9 or 10. I remember being SO excited about it and I remember the feeling that I had when I stayed with them. I felt super special, I felt like they delighted in me. I remember Grandma making me special tuna sandwiches and I remember feeling like such big stuff to get time away from my family and my siblings. What I don't remember are details of their house, what color the carpets were, where I slept, what clothing I wore, the layout of the house (not more than vaguely, at least), or the color of the cereal bowls. But I DO remember how I felt when I was there!
I have been trying to reconstruct memories from my childhood. In detail. I wish I had more pictures, because I feel like that would help. But I was thinking yesterday of a specific type of memory: one in which I had to crawl through a small space or opening to get into something. I thought that this might help me remember some things that I hadn't thought about in a long time. That could include a memory of the way my siblings and I used to crawl under our front porch on our house (down on our hands and knees) and play under there in the cool dark. I haven't thought about that in ages. Or maybe the visit to a cave in West Virginia. Or how my sister and I used to play in and under this huge green bush we had at the end of our driveway. Or how I used to hide in this big bureau in our bedroom. In behind the clothing.
Another thing I read about is this trick for remembering a series of items. What you do is picture yourself going through a house and picking up these items off of the furniture or the counter or the floor. You picture yourself in each room as you walk slowly through and gather the items.
I want to give this a try. I went to this website http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_U.S._state_foods and decided that I am going to try to remember the first 20 items on this list, using the method listed above. We'll see how well I do.
Sorry if this makes you think that I am a whack job. I probably am. But I told you, I am fascinated by memory.
The method I used to remember this list of foods was to picture the house that I first lived in when we moved to Wisconsin. I used the furniture and the layout of the rooms as props for remembering each food. In order.
So, as I came into the garage and started up the steps to the house, I look down and see a little pile of pecans on one of the steps. I wonder why they are there. It is just a handful of them, still in the shell. I get up the landing at the top of the steps and there is a blackberry bush growing out of the side of the wall. The thorns actually snag on my clothing as I go by and I have to slow down and free myself from them. I continue on into the laundry and there on the top of the washing machine is a basket of peaches. They smell so nice and fresh. Into the kitchen I go, and on the table is a tomato plant. Just sprouting right out of the table top and flowing down over the sides. There are lots of ripe tomatoes growing from the plant.
And that is how I remembered everything on this list. Right now, I am writing it from memory, using this method. The rest of the list is as follows:
Rice
Key Lime Pie
Oranges
Grits
Peaches (again)
Onions
Potatoes
Huckleberries
Popcorn
GoldRush Apples
Sweet Cream Pie
Blackberries (also twice on list)
Strawberries
Mayhaw Jam
Meat Pie
Sweet Potatoes
Easy peasy. I typed off that whole list from memory in about 20 or 30 seconds.
That was actually a super cool experiment.
Ok. Now that I have officially bored you to tears, revealed my inner nerd, and completely muddled the whole concept of past versus memory, I will say Adios for today.
Make some great memories!!
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