A Beautiful Mess

I've had what is easiest to refer to as "writer's block" for about 2 years and 4 months now.  850 days of dealing with the inability to express myself through writing.  20,400 hours in which I haven't been able to fall back on something that to me has always been therapeutic and healing.

Last Tuesday morning I had coffee with my friend Rhoda.  She inspired me to find my writing voice again.  To push through the self-doubts of "it's all been written before...what do I have to say?" along with the "what value do my words have?" type of questions.

So here I am...sitting at the computer...trying to put down on "paper" what's in my heart.

I used to write about anything and everything.  I wrote many blog posts about trivial and funny happenings in my life.  I wrote about my kids and about my clothing and I wrote blog posts inspired by a "random word of the day."  Sometimes I wrote about the serious thoughts that were happening in my heart and mind.

And then I just couldn't anymore.  Shit hit the fan in my internal world and along with my sunny outlook and my carefree attitude, my writing went out the window.  I missed it.  But I had trouble expressing myself with words, in person, much less being able to write in a way that made sense to anyone else.

After my conversation with Rhoda, I realized something.  Maybe this isn't new to you and it really isn't new to me either, but it struck me once again that there are two very effective tools that the forces for evil in this world use to keep us from succeeding in our lives and fulfilling our dreams and connecting with others.

They are both lies.

The first is that we are alone.  No one else would understand.  We are the only one who is struggling in this way.  So we had better just keep our pain and difficulty to ourselves lest we feel shame or guilt or feel misunderstood.

The second is that what we have to contribute to the world isn't valuable until we "have our shit together."  That lie that whispers in your ear when you want to help a friend by sharing your story. When you want to speak up but you know how far you still have to go and so you stay silent.

I have news for you!  Your shit is never going to be together.  You live. You learn.  Your experiences teach you valuable lessons that can help someone else. Right now.  No matter what is still "wrong" in your life and no matter what you're still dealing with or struggling through, your voice matters!  When you feel that inner prompting to speak up, just follow it and see what good things will happen.

I think for me, it is hard on my pride in some twisted way.  I don't want to put advice out there and then have someone look at my life and think "What the heck does she know?"

But vulnerability and honesty often speak louder than the "perfect" person with the "perfect" life who has it all together. So many times my life has been touched by the words of someone who was just being real with me.  Sharing a part of their beautiful mess.

I think that's what God sees when He looks at us.  We're a mess.  He knows it.  But to Him...it's beautiful.  Because we are His children and He feels this immense and all-encompassing and amazing LOVE for us.  So He looks down on me in my struggle and He sees my issues and I just picture Him sitting down right there beside me and putting His arm around me and just looking over at me with SO much love in His eyes and then kind of getting a twinkle in His eye and saying to me "Girl, I'm proud of you.  So proud of you.  Because you're a fighter.  You really care.  I see you trying and I know you're life is a mess, but it's a beautiful mess.  And we're just going to just keep working on this together. One day at a time. It's gonna be OK."

So here are a few pieces of advice that I think I can put into words.  These are things that I am learning through the struggle of the past few years.  Take them for what they might be worth.

**You are not alone.  If you will have the courage to open up your heart and bare your soul, you'll find others who say "Me too" and will walk alongside you.  Not everyone will, so choose carefully and pay attention to your instincts, but those friends are definitely out there.

**Advice will come from unexpected sources.  Take it anyway.  If it rings true with you, don't worry about who said it and why they might be unqualified.

**Our thoughts are extremely powerful.  We create the life we really want by the ways we think. But changing your thoughts about yourself and about life is a long and ardous process and there really are no short-cuts.  Slow and steady wins the race.

**Everyone's story is important.  Many are heart-breakingly beautiful.  When someone trusts you enough to let you in and tell you a part of their story, treat that as the beautiful treasure that it is.

**A lot of days it is going to feel like you're going 2 steps forward and 1 step back.  That's ok.  Give yourself a break.  Cut yourself some slack.  And get up the next day and do the next right thing. Two steps forward and one step back is still progress.

**The sun will keep on shining even when you can't see it.  It will be there on the day when you can finally raise your eyes towards the sky.  Your perception didn't change the reality.

**Surrender is a mystery I don't understand but I know it to be truer than true.  When you surrender a thing in your life that you've been holding on to and you let go of the grasp for control, miracles happen. Sometimes instantly.  Sometimes in a while. But they always happen.  I've seen it too many times in my own life to believe otherwise.  So take that leap.  Surrender that thing you just can't seem to let go of.

**Gratitude is hugely important.  Be grateful for the teachers that life sends your way.  Be grateful for what isn't "wrong" in your life.  Be grateful for little things that you tend to take for granted. Write things down.  Gratitude has the ability to transform your perception of your life.

Be encouraged, my friends!  Hope is always there.  Love and be loved, even in the midst of your mess.  You have a beautiful soul...let it shine!

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