Hope

Years ago, Emily Dickinson wrote a poem that went like this:

“Hope” is the thing with feathers -

That perches in the soul -

And sings the tune without the words -

And never stops - at all -

And sweetest - in the Gale - is heard -

And sore must be the storm -

That could abash the little Bird

That kept so many warm -

I’ve heard it in the chillest land -

And on the strangest Sea -

Yet - never - in Extremity,

It asked a crumb - of me.

 

 

I can relate.  I especially love the part about the tune without the words because I feel like often hope is unable to be expressed, or, if you were to try, some part of it would be lost.

 

Back in July of last year, God gave me this verse to hang on to and for quite a while, it felt like the only ray of hope I had.

 

It was Isaiah 43:19.   ^"Behold, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs forth; do you not perceive and know it and will you not give heed to it? I will even make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert."

 

I don't know about you, but I don't think I've ever seen a river in a desert.  At least, if there is one, its a miracle.  And I just kept thinking "If He can do that, He must be able to, somehow, someway, heal my heart and deal with my issues."

 

I have never in my life had so much to say but no words to say it.  When I try to explain what I have been going through, I just falter and stumble and can't get the words together in a way that makes sense to even myself, much less anyone else.

 

It feels lonely.  I feel misunderstood a lot.  But I am thinking that may be part of the hope.  I don't need to be understood, because HE gets me. And there is peace in that.

 

I am learning that all of those things that I had been told all my life:

 

"God is good"

"Just trust Him"

"He is our only Hope"

"Jesus cares"

 

They are true.

 

I just needed a different door to open to those truths so that I could see them in a new light and make them start to make sense to me.  Sometimes we block love in ways that we don't have the tools to understand until we face the fears that are keeping the blocks in place.

 

One of the most profound thing I have read in the last while is this:

 

"The miracle we want is most often a change in our perception."  We need to pray "God, I am willing to see this situation differently."  All He needs is a willing heart and He can take care of the rest.

 

I've changed so much that some days I don't even recognize myself.  Even the title of my blog "An Extrovert Expounds" -- strikes me as ironic because I'm not even sure I am still an extrovert and I haven't "expounded" on anything in a long time.

 

To go through a valley so deep and wide that it feels like when you come out on the other side, people don't even recognize you or who you've become, is one of the strangest experiences I have had in my lifetime thus far.

 

But underneath it is all the beginnings of this deep settled-ness and peace.  Around the edges of the lonely there is a ray of sunshine.  Against the backdrop of the shadows there is a hint of dawn. And that feels like hope to me.

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