Monday, December 14, 2015

Middle Places

You can be the middle child.  Maybe you're middle class.  You can be in the middle of middle school, like my son Derrick.  You might be middle age or in a mid-life crises.  You may be in the middle of a horrible sickness or disease.

It is hard to see the word middle as a positive, because by definition it means that you are at equal distance from the sides, edge, or begining to end of something.

The more I look at the word, it seems to kind of morph into "muddle" instead of "middle".  And being in the middle sometimes feels more like a place I'm ending up instead of a place I'm passing through.

For me, it is often in the middle of a task that I feel discouragement setting in.  Yes, I've gotten quite a ways, but I have so much further to go.  Do I give up and call it good enough or do I keep on?

Hope threatens to fade in the middle.  We have to pull together our resources and focus our thoughts to continue on when discouragement sets in.


There is a glory in beginning something.  People praise you.  "Look at her following those dreams!"  "See how she just went for it!"  Even when the new beginning meant that you quit something you shouldn't have, there is often applause because you were brave enough to try something new.

And the end...that's just pretty spectacular!  You stuck with it!  You persevered!  You were strong! The end should be a big deal.  A sense of pride and accomplishment should go along with it.  That is, if the end is how you pictured it.  What about an end that you didn't choose and had no control over? What about an end of a dream that you thought would surely happen?  Endings can be bittersweet as well or just simply sad and difficult.

But the middle is what I wanted to talk about today.  One of the problems with the middle is that you don't really know at the time when it will end.  Sometimes you don't even really know when this thing that you now find yourself in the middle of started.  But you know that where you are isn't where you want to be.

There is a lack of patience from others when you wander around in the middle for too long.  People want to see progress.  They like a good story.  Don't let the hero wander around directless for more than the acceptable amount of time.  But what is acceptable?  All of us have ideas about what that might be based on our own life experiences.  Some people think that a decision, any decision, really, would be better than staying stuck.  Some will try to tell you what you need to do.  They may even be right.  But sometimes you are only strong enough to get up each day and keep on trudging. You don't have the energy that may be required to take a giant leap forward.



It is always easier to see the way through someone else's "middle place" than your own.  You will feel judged by many when your "middle" turns into a year, or two, or maybe even three or more. People will start to get tired of listening to you talk about the same old thing.  And I get that.  Its the philosophy of "either stop complaining or do something about it."  But what if your current pain and sense of profound lost-ness are compounded by the fact that everyone else seems to know exactly what you need to do but you're still trying to figure it out?

And here is what I really want to talk about in this little writing session...and that is the pain and rejection that comes from feeling like you can't even talk about your middle place anymore because everyone's patience has run out.  So you begin to shut down.  It doesn't feel safe to venture into that territory anymore because you feel the impatience and the coldness from others.  You start to go deeper into yourself because that seems to be the best option.

I read this in Cheryl Strayed's new book called "Brave" and it stirred something so deep within me. I think that this can apply to more than just the grief of an actual death of someone you love. It can apply to many other kinds of grief as well.


I've been in a middle place for a long time.  I've made lots of good, strong choices and I've made lots of weak, make-you-stay-stuck kinds of choices.  I've even often known the difference.  But everyone's journey progresses at a different speed and authentic change is not something that can be rushed or forced.

Those whose grace for me has not run out are the relationships that I treasure the most.  Because those are the people who have shown Jesus to me.  He literally never runs out of grace.  I understand boundaries, believe me.  I know that people can't just allow others to drain them and monopolize their lives.

But what if you just need to listen one more time?  What if you need to pour yourself out by just being full of grace for someone who should probably "have it together" by now (whatever that means)? What if your compassion is just the thing that is needed to give a friend hope and to help them feel refreshed to try again?

Why are we so prone to deciding when we've had enough and to judge when and what someone else should do in their journey?  Could it possibly be because it makes US uncomfortable to sit with pain so deep and so long-lasting?  Could it be that we have a hard time accepting the fact that sometimes life just hurts and sometimes it just sucks?  And that maybe the difficult time is gonna last longer than we wish it would?  Are we afraid of our own ability to walk through the middle places with someone else and so we turn away in the name of boundaries and self-care?

We all love a good story.  But we love it when it is over.  We love the happy ending.  The closure. The hooray's and the back slaps.  The middle part is messy and ugly and not much fun at all. But as we all know, any good story has conflict and difficulty. We often hesitate to tell our stories while we are in the middle place. It is much easier to talk about it after the fact...once we've got it all figured out.   I will venture to say that it takes much more courage and bravery to be honest about our "middle places" than our completed tales.

My mentor and good friend, Renee, has told me more than once..."I'll be here as long as it takes for you to get through this."  Do you know how comforting that has been?  It makes me get tears in my eyes even now, just thinking about it.

Healing is a process.  Grief is a process.  Acceptance is a process. And a lot of times the only way to the other side is to wander around in the middle for a while.  There are lots of lessons learned in those middle places.  There is a level of pain that often promotes awareness and growth.  But some days, all a person can do is put one bleeding and tattered foot in front of the other and hope those around them have the grace to notice that they haven't sat down and given up...that they are still walking.  Still hoping.  Still learning.  And that one day, they'll be able to look back and say "I'm through"!

Will you still be around to rejoice with them when that happens?  Maybe that's something to think about the next time you are tempted to walk away from someone who is hurting.  Maybe instead you should sit down next to them, put your arm around them, and say "I'm here for as long as it takes, dear.  I'm not going anywhere."

Grace has a name.  Grace has a face.  It just might be yours.


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